Looking back at 2010

So at first I thought 2010 wasn't very eventful and then I started to think back to everything that has happened this year. 

Let's start with Aly Claire, the year started off rough with her usual illnesses.  In April she had a tonsillectomy and it did wonders for her.  She has hardly been sick since and with the exception of her cataract surgery in July hasn't been in the hospital since.  She finally hit 29 pounds and then of course got the stomach bug and went back down to 28 but we'll take what we can get.  She also started preschool in the fall.  She hates preschool.  Of course if you ask her she'll tell you she likes school but the screaming, crying fit she throws when I drop her off says something different.  She's completely different from Cade who loved preschool.  What Aly does love is her ballet and gymnastics classes.  She twirls and whirls all over the house doing her ballet.  She has her first recital in June, I'm interested to see how she will react to being on a big stage in front of tons of people.  She could go either way, love it or run screaming...we'll just have to wait and see!

Cade has had a busy year for a 6 year old.  Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was his 1st BMX race with the National Bicycle League.  That kicked off a year of traveling all over this side of the country and racing.  We've been to Akron OH, Michigan, Atlanta, Chicago, Morristown TN, West Palm Beach and Tampa Florida.  Not to mention the countless trips to Indy Indoor and Louisville and local races at Burdette.  BMX is definately a year round sport.  All that racing paid off though.  Cade hadn't even been racing a full year and he was the NBL 6 year old Rookie National Champion and Indiana's 6 year old Novice Champion.  He had a couple months break and then Thanksgiving weekend kicked off another year of traveling to National races.  We leave the day after Christmas for Columbus OH.  He'll be racing the President's Cup and Christmas Classic.  It should be prove to be interesting because he had a pretty good crash a few weeks ago in practice and is now a little gun shy.  We'll see which Cade shows up to the race next week!
Cade also played baseball (first year of pitching machine) in the Spring and he played flag football in the fall.  He likes baseball but he LOVED football.  He has started a little obsession with the Colts.  Scotty took him to his first Colts game this past weekend and he was so happy.  His ticket was supposed to be mine but for obvious reasons at this time I was unable to go.  I was glad he took Cade though b/c he loved it.  He also got to see the UNC Tar Heels play against the Aces a couple weeks ago.  This was actually Scotty's dream b/c he is a diehard TarHeel fan and has always wanted to see them play in person.  Another game I was supposed to go to but couldn't. I'm seeing a trend here. 
Cade loves Kindergarten and I can't believe the progress that he has made since August.  My baby boy is reading (sort of)!  Listening to him sound out words and try to figure out how to spell is hilarious.  What he comes up with just cracks me up.  Just the other day he was standing in the mirror with no shirt on whispering to himself.  As Scotty listened to him he heard him saying "Ni-p...ni-p-p-l...nippl", he was trying to spell "nipple".  He does this all the time with interesting words.  He also loves to draw and has developed a knack for it.  Art is actually his favorite subject and not Gym, imagine that!  Now if we could just get him to tie his shoe...

I've spent the last half of the year trudging through my last pregnancy.  It's been a doozy for sure.  Baby Girl will be here in 6 1/2 weeks, if I make it that long.  There's a 50/50 chance of making it to Baby day.  You know those people that say "Oh, I loved being pregnant, I've never felt so good" or "the miracle of life is such a blessing", blah blah.  Yeah, I'm NOT that person.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled (took me awhile though) that we're having another baby and I can't wait for her to get here so I can meet the kickboxer that has been growing inside me.  I want to hold her and cuddle her and smell her sweet baby smell and rub her soft baby hair but that's once she gets here.  Pregnancy itself (at least for me) is for the birds.  This time has by far been the worst out of the 3 and my doctor has even told me that I don't need to do this again (as if I was even considering it!).  My body and pregnancy do not get along.  So as much as I want little one to stay in there and finish growing, I am absolutely counting the days until she comes OUT!  By the way, I have ultrasounds every 2 weeks so I've gotten to see the progress of her growing and developing (in 4D which is way cool) and that has been awesome.  Today's pictures are by far the coolest.  She's changed so much even from 2 weeks ago, and we could actually see the hair on her head!  I think she looks like Cade, she has his lips.

We took the kids to Disney and Nickelodeon Resort over Easter this year, combined with 2 races of course.  It will be a few years before we can go again (I'm not crazy enough to take a baby!) but the kids and I can't wait to go back.  Scotty on the other hand isn't fond of the crowds, but Scrooge will buck up and take us again.  I must say spending Easter Sunday on the beach in West Palm was wonderful!  I think I'm going to transport myself back there in my mind and maybe I'll temporarily forget that I have to pee and can't breathe.  It's worth a shot!!

Life Changes/Aly Update

I'm back from the land of morning/all day sickness and returned into the land of the living.  It's been a rough few months but I'm feeling better and now getting to the uncomfortable stage...pregnancy is fun (do you sense the sarcasm?).  So, it's a girl.  Mixed emotions about that for different reasons having to do with Aly's disorder but overall I'm happy about it.  Mainly b/c I don't think I can mentally handle another boy!  Anyone with more than 1 active boy has my full respect!!  That very active boy has accomplished alot lately.  He is the National Bicycle League's 6 yr old Rookie National Champion and Indiana 6yr old Novice State Champion.  His daddy is thrilled to have those #1 number plates hanging on Cade's bedroom wall!

Aly had a great visit with her GI yesterday.  She has hit 27 pds and is now on the bottom of the growth chart in the 3rd percentile.  Her GI doctor and her pediatrician are very happy with her progress.  She had a great summer and hasn't been really sick since her tonsilectiomy in April.  She had cataract surgery in July and her eyesight is so much better than they ever expected it to be at this point.  The patch they told us she would have to wear 6 hrs a day until she was 8 years old is unnecessary now.  I thank God for that and Cade who said Jesus healed a blind man so He would heal Aly too.  6 yr old faith is so pure!  I'm praying for a healthy winter!!

Funny and Touching Cade story

So we were driving down the road and Cade was watching TV with his headphones on.  We had been driving in silence (thank God for headphones) for awhile and all the sudden he says "Mom, Aly won't have to wear an eye patch anymore."  I of course asked why.  He says "In Christian Ed at my school, my principal Mrs Pickles said there is a story in the Bible where Jesus healed a man that was blind.  So, all we have to do is pray and tell Jesus that we are ready for Aly to be healed and then she won't have to wear the patch."  I of course started crying.  I wish it really was that simple, child-like faith is what we should all have.  He is so sensitive and worried about his sister.  The fact that he was just watching TV and then that came into his mind shows that he's got alot on his mind too.

Did I mention how much I'm going to miss Christian Ed next year when he goes to kindergarten? 

Aly Update

My thoughts are still jumbled about what we found out today.  On one hand it's the same as we already knew from last weeks eye visit but with a few new developments.  The 3 hour ride home helped me clear up a few things but I don't think I've fully resolved it in my mind yet.  The new developments are that her eyes are worse than we thought.  The first doctor let her cover her eye with her own hand, apparently she was peeking so her vision was bad but not what it really is.  Her vision in her bad eye today was 20/300 which is a step beyond legally blind.  Her good eye is holding steady though, so we'll just keep watch on it and hopefully it will stay stable for awhile. 

So, this is the deal.  She's having surgery at Riley on July 6th.  The cataract in her left eye IS her lens so she will get an implant lens.  They guess at the strength since she's so young and he vision isn't fully developed.  As the doctor explained to us today, the surgery is the easy part.  The rehabing of her eye is the hard part.  Hopefully after the surgery her vision will be "better" (but still not near good) in her bad eye so in order to strengthen it her good eye will have to be patched so she is forced to use the bad eye.  This sounds harmless for the most part but she will have to wear a patch 4-6 hours a day-everyday-until she is 8 years old.  That's everyday, for 5 years.  Plus glasses for the rest of her life.  If you think like me, you might be wondering "If she's blind in the left eye and they patch her right eye, will she be running into things?"  This is the exact question I asked today.  The answer was "Yes she will".  Great, that's reassuring.  The doctor explained it's like a baby learning to walk, bumping into things and falling down but once her eye strengthens over time she will get better at it.  I guess that's supposed to be comforting.  Scotty asked how common congenital cataracts are in a 3yr old.  The answer was "General population-extremely rare, at Riley-not as rare."  I feel two things about that statement. 1) of course it's extremely rare, this is Aly we're talking about. 2) at least we're in good hands and they are used to dealing with this sort of thing.
This may not seem like a big deal, and compared to some of the issues we deal with it's not AS big.  After all, lots of kids get glasses at young ages and lots of kids are supposed to wear eye patches, this is of course true.  But really after all Aly has gone through, will go through and deals with everyday-another surgery and daily patching of her eye plus losing the ability to see once the patch is on, is just frustrating.  That being said, I reiterate my feelings from my last post.  I am not in control and I take comfort in that. 

To put things in perspective, we were in the gift shop (buying Aly the toy we promised) and a boy about 10 or 11 came up next to us.  He had obvious physically deformities and he had a shaved spot on his head with a monitor screwed into his scalp.  He bent down next to Aly and asked her what her name was.  She told him and then asked him what his name was.  He said "my name is Gus, can you say Gus?"  she said "Hi Gus" and he smiled at her.  He has everything stacked against him but yet he was so sweet to a little girl that just happened to be standing next to him.  I really think God makes up for a person's shortcomings (for lack of a better word) with other attributes.  All you had to do was look at that boy and know he had a great personality and has probably a better outlook on life than most people.  I think that about Aly too.  She's been through so much and yet she is such a sweet little girl. She captures the heart of everyone she comes in contact with.  It doesn't hurt that she is tiny with blonde curls!

So in the spirit of accepting the things I cannot change, I am determined to change the things I can.  So I am starting with what my family puts into their bodies.  I admit that I am a "stress eater" and I cling to that excuse when I find myself eating unnecessary things.  I will leave a doctors appt and drive through McDs b/c that is something I can control.  So, if I DO have control over that then I have the control to NOT do that.  This is not the start of a diet or weight loss plan, this is the start of me regaining control over SOMETHING in my life.  Oh, and if you see me with a sweet tea-get over it- I CHOOSE sweet tea!!! :-)

I will end with a funny kid story.  As I'm writing this blog, Scotty is rebuilding Cade's bike.  Cade of course is all up in his business, asking questions, touching things, dropping things, etc.  I tell him to take his sister and go play in his room.  He stomps off with Aly following behind and says "Nobody likes us".  Aly says "but we like each other, you love me and I love you".  Scotty decides to go in there and break up their pity party.  He walks in the bedroom and says "Hey, I like you both and I love you both", Aly says "Ok, but you're still selfish!"  That would be a comment she learned from her brother!  At least they form a united front!!

Why Not?

As I'm sure most people do when not so great things happen, I find myself asking "Why Me?" or more importantly "Why Aly?".  Why does it seem like we can't catch a break, why does SHE have to be sick, why does MY child have to deal with the things she does?  It's always sad when I hear about some one's child having some incurable illness but that's someone ELSE'S child, not mine. That stuff happens to OTHER people.  As I was in the shower praying (where I do my best praying, I might add, probably b/c it's the only place where I get peace and quiet) I found myself praying for Aly's appt this Friday.  Naturally,  my thoughts drift to "dang it, I'm tired of all this crap".  Then I realize, you know what, Why NOT me?  Why NOT Aly?  When God gave her to me there was no disclaimer attached to her that said she would be healthy.  I seem to think that b/c I've already had to deal with losing both my parents that I shouldn't have to deal with anything else.  Like God is going to say "Okay Melissa, you've had your allotted heartbreaks and struggles now I'm going to move onto someone else".  Saying it that way though makes it sound like I think God made her sick.  I don't believe that but I do believe God made her the way she is.  People ask me if I'm afraid to fly b/c my mom was killed in a plane crash.  My standard answer is "No, I'm safe in a plane b/c God won't allow that to happen to my family twice".  Who am I to say that?!  What I'm meaning to say is that I am not an exception to the rule and neither is Aly.  The ways of the world are not fair and bad things happen.  People get sick, people are in accidents, people die.  There's also a reason for everything right?  or is that just a line the "church" feeds us to make us feel better about our hardships?  What does make me feel better is knowing that I'm not the one holding the cards.  What I do or don't do, think or don't think changes nothing.  The song "Healer" comes to my mind.  "You hold my world in Your hands".  It's so so true.  The God of all the galaxies, the Creator of everything we see and don't see, the One who gave the entire earth breath and life has MY world in His hands.  Knowing that makes me get through everyday and sleep every night.
PS.  If you're tired of hearing about Aly stuff, I'm sorry.  It's what's on the forefront of my mind these days.  I have to have strong feelings to be able to write and that seems to be what is stirring my feelings these days.  Maybe one day soon I'll get back to telling stories about Spiderman shooting people with webs in Target!  I will tell one little funny Cade story though.  He was riding in the passenger seat of Scotty's truck the other day and he propped his elbow up sideways on the door (window rolled down). Picture how someone rides with their elbow out of the window.  He said "Hey, Dad Look".  He raised his eyebrows, grinned a cheesy grin, pointed to his arm and said "I'm just like a parent!".

The blows keep coming

I really really try NOT to get frustrated over Aly's health. I can't do anything about it, I can't change it and I'm not in control of it, so why get upset over it, right? Well, I'll tell you why...because she can't catch a break. Since she has Mitochondrial Disease there are certain things she needs checked out on a yearly basis. One of those things is her vision. We've been to alot of doctors and several of them have asked me if I had any vision concerns. My answer has always been "no" because that's an area that I thought was fine. Then again I also didn't have hearing concerns and that didn't turn out great either. I should know by now to not be hopeful when it comes to new medical issues. So, I took her to the Ophthalmologist yesterday for what I thought was to be just a routine visit b/c the eyes can be affected with Mito. By the way, in a momentary lapse of judgement I decided to take Cade with me. About 30 mins into the appt I regretted that decision. The appt started out good (or so I thought), she was naming the pictures on the tv screen pretty well. Once they moved to her left eye she started to get bored with the tv game. She started making things up instead of naming the correct picture. When they uncovered the other eye so she could see with both again, she was getting the pictures correct again. I thought she was just playing games with us but the nurse said for some reason she's not seeing out of her left eye. Again, I thought it couldn't be too bad, after all, she's never acted like she couldn't see so this was an "easy" appt. They dilated her eyes (Aly says her eyes are "peeling out") and we jumped through all kinds of hoops getting Aly to look through machines. She did very well with that once they told her there were pictures of Dora and Diego in the "glasses". Those pediatric Opthal's know what they are doing! The doctor was naming off different numbers and haziness levels, I said "We're leaving here with glasses aren't we?". Because in my mind that was the worst that could happen, not b/c glasses are the worst thing but b/c I didn't even comprehend that it could be anything worse. She's only 3 years old and she never acted like she couldn't see, so it can't be THAT bad. The nurse then took both kids out of the room (to get stickers and suckers) and to allow me to actually hear what the doctor was saying. She then said Aly has cataracts, her right eye was mild but her left eye was severe and she can barely see out of it. The doctor can barely see in her eye so Aly can barely see out. I about fell out of the chair. How could my 3 year old have cataracts?! Well, come to find out it's one of the many things that can happen with Mito. Since this was her first eye exam there's no way to tell if she's had it since birth or if it developed later and there's no way to tell how quickly it worsened. They can follow the right eye since it's not as bad and doesn't need to be fixed yet but the left eye needs to be fixed right away. If it developed after birth and she had time to develop her sight then the end result will be better than if it was present at birth and she wasn't able to develop sight in that eye. They won't know until after it is removed. She will have to wear glasses for the rest of her life no matter what. Since the majority of people that have cataracts are elderly and already have glasses for other reasons it's not something they really think about. I know having glasses at age 3 and having to wear them forever isn't the worst thing that could happen but it's just ANOTHER thing that's happened. Even if her vision is the best they can hope for after the surgery she still has to wear them. They are afraid her right eye is compensating so much for the left that her brain is shutting off her left eye totally. You know the saying "use it or lose it"? That applies here. So she'll have to wear an eye patch on her right eye for awhile to strengthen her bad eye.
So, as I say I'm trying not to be frustrated, I really am frustrated. I would really like even just one month without a major medical issue coming up. Then I have a 5 year old that is acting out so bad that I'm about ready to commit him to his room until he's 18. I feel for him b/c he didn't ask for any of this either. He just wants to play with his sister and have a normal kid life too. Instead we're always at doctors/hospitals, he's being shifted from grandparents and friends while Scotty is at work b/c I have to be with Aly. I feel bad for him but don't know how to fix it. I'm having trouble dividing my energy between the two. Which leaves no energy for anything else for sure.
This is a season and it too will pass. My baby boy will be grown and I'll miss the little boy that craved my attention.

Save Now

This week is our Holy Week, this week I plan to take time to really THINK about what this week means when it comes to my faith. Just like Christmas isn't just about Santa Claus, Easter isn't just about a Bunny. I want to find my "Passion" this week and be passionate about what I believe and WHO I believe in.
Ray preached on Hosanna today. Hosanna means "Save Now", now I'm thinking about the way I pray. When Jesus rode into town on the donkey (not a huge horse that commands attention) people cried HOSANNA, b/c they wanted and needed Him right then. I have a hard time giving up control (shocking I know) and I wonder if that's why some prayers go unanswered. Is it a lack of faith, am I not giving up all control, do I say that I've laid it at His feet but really I still have a string tied to it? In all reality, I'm probably overanalyzing the whole situation. Who am I to tell God who to heal? Who am I to tell God how much money I need? Who am I to tell God who to save and who not to save? He HAS kept His promises to me...salvation, love and protection. When it comes down to it, that's truely all that matters. Now of course I'd like to change what matters sometimes but to God that irrelevant.
I'm also having trouble dealing with the "Vengeance is the Lord's" concept. I hate when things that I thought I had dealt with come back and apparantly I haven't dealt with it like I thought. Well, if I really think about it I DID deal with it at the time and I have been over it for quite a long time (for the most part). But some things have come to light recently that have made me not QUITE over it. How do you deal with that? I know some of you would love for me to specify just what "it" is but I'm not going to, sorry :-) I know our life has taken the path that God wants us on and I really have NO DOUBT about that part. I just question His reasoning on the paths that He's taken others on. This goes back to the me not being the one to tell God what He should and shouldn't do but sometimes it's JUST SO OBVIOUS to me. I wonder how it's not so obvious to Him. I know, concentrate on my life and Christ's purpose for my family, yeah I get it. I do concentrate on that, it is what gets me through the day without hate in my heart. Love and hate cannot share the same space, so everyday I tell myself that it's not my problem, I'm where I'm meant to be, and I cling to the promise that Christ made "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord". I just wish it was earthly vengeance and not heavenly judgement.
I've never been one to pray "Lord, come quickly". I know where I'm going when die and I'm confident in that, it just doesn't have to be right now does it? After all, my grandpa has told me that when he was a boy people would say "these are the last days". So it's been the end of time for awhile now. Scotty and I will disagree on this point. He says now is the best option and I think kinda like Kenny Chesney (Everybody wants to go to Heaven but nobody wants to go now). Don't think bad of me for that, I just know when I do go, whenever that may be, that it will be Heaven. So I'd really like to see my kids grow up, maybe have some grandkids, retire on the beach, travel, you know all the stuff people dream of. BUT today while I was listening to Ray preach on Hosanna "Save NOW", it hit me. THAT'S how I should pray, "Come quickly Lord, and save us now!". Whether that is save us from this earth that is quickly going further down the proverbial drain or save us from the situations we are in. What we need is our Hosanna to SAVE us. So as I am praying for Him to save me from my situations, I'm also going to pray for him to take His big Godly scissors and cut the darn strings that keep me attatched to the problems I give Him. And then I hear Him tell me to cut them myself.

I'm thankful

I've had some time to think about Aly's diagnosis now. I've actually had 8 months to think about it, they mentioned the possibility last June. But now that the actual diagnosis has been made "thinking" about it takes on a whole new form. Will she read these blogs someday and think her mom is crazy? I hope she will read them and not remember the things I write about bc she will have been healthy for so long. I'm relieved and then feel guilty about being relieved. I'm scared and then feel guilty about being scared. I'm thankful and I don't feel guilty about being thankful. On one hand things could be so much worse at this point. She looks like a normal little girl so it's hard for people to understand how sick she is. It's hard for US to understand how sick she is sometimes. How can a little girl that runs around the house, plays dress up, pushes her babies in strollers and wrestles with her big brother be so fragile? I realized last night (for the hundreth time) how fragile she is; I was dancing with her and Cade in the living room and had ahold of her hand/wrist, everytime I moved her arm around her little wrist would pop under my hand. It wasn't popping out of socket like her elbow does sometimes but it was just popping like there was no muscle support to it. She's so "normal" in so many ways and so "abnormal" in so many others. The doctors have taught us that there is a difference in "normal" and "normal for Aly", normal for Aly is definately not "normal". Our way of thinking has changed. I wish I could make the world understand just what is wrong but I don't fully understand exactly what is wrong. I know she is day to day, today she is good, tomorrow she may be great and Sunday she could be in the hospital. It's a crazy way to live a little life. I feel so bad that she has had to endure everything she has, from so many surgeries, to digging in her little arm for IVs, to throwing up almost everyday. She is a trained "puke professional", so much so that I think she can almost make herself or try to stop herself from throwing up. She gets a feeding and says "I didn't puke!" like it's a big accomplishment. I also have some feelings that I'm ashamed to admit. I'm SO grateful for her mental/physical development, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world but I find myself wondering if it would be easier on her if she didn't "know" as much as she does. Alot of kids that have major health problems are so delayed that although they are enduring many medical treatments they don't really know that they are. That prevents them from being scared or knowing what is coming. Aly knows exactly what is happening to her at the time and she knows enough to be scared. Not just scared like alot of kids are at the doctor about getting a shot but truly scared to walk in the door of anything that remotely looks like a doctors office/hospital. We drive down the Lloyd Exp and pass the Deaconess Gateway campus and she starts crying. She can tell you exactly what happens when she gets an IV or her leg gets cut open for surgery or how they put swabs in her nose/throat to see what infection she has this time. She uses her play phones to call her baby dolls doctors b/c they are sick and need a "needle in their arm". I think she may grow up to be a doctor or nurse b/c she has the whole routine down pat. She could probably do the whole process herself if she were big enough.
Aly will be 3 on Monday and this has been an interesting 3 years. I'm hoping now that we know what is wrong we can continue on this journey by "maintaining" Aly rather than "testing" Aly. Although maintaining her is becoming increasing more difficult too. 6 medicines 3 times a day, 2 bolus feedings, 2 or more breathing treatments and 12 hours on her feeding pump all in 24 hours is alot for a 3 year old. She knows no other life though. Cade knows no other life either and I feel bad about that. He's 5 and doesn't remember life before Aly was sick. He definately loves his sister but it's obvious he resents her too. It's also obvious he resents me. I'm the one that takes her to doctors/hospitals/therapy and he goes to grandma's or stays with dad.
I am not in control of the situation so why do I find myself trying to control it? How can I change this or do this better? How can I get Cade to understand and stop taking his frustrations out on me? Why do I even care that he's taking his frustrations out on me, afterall he's 5 and didn't ask for all this either. ahhhh, oh well. Such is life and I can't change it. I'm thankful for it though. I'm thankful for the notes that Cade slides under the bathroom door when I'm in the shower, I'm thankful for Aly's arms that hug me and say "momma, I love you so much", I'm thankful for the girl that wraps her baby doll in a blanket then brings it to me and says "you be good, i'll be back to pick you up". I'm thankful that Cade gets off the racetrack runs up to me and says "mom, did you see me? are you proud?". I am proud. I'm proud and I'm thankful.

My Restore Story written 9/20/09

I realized today that my life has taken a turn that I didn't see coming-spiritually anyway. In March I went to a women's conference at Holiday Inn that Julie Wells had. There were big high profile speakers-Paula White and Judy Jacobs but Julie spoke the last night. I don't remember a whole lot about what she said but the point that stuck with me was to know WHO you are and when something comes against you to not accept it. That night I had a very deep spiritual change. I'm no stranger to the gifts of the Spirit and I tend to not get caught up in it anymore. Not that I don't believe in it-I just think too much emphasis is put on the manifestation and not the relationship. Anyway, that night I went to the front and without anyone touching me, pushing me, etc. I collapsed to my knees, doubled over and cried (more like wailed) for at least an hour. I could not an did not get up until I knew a change had happened. I am no special person- I can't sing, play an instrument, I'm not a preacher, teacher or leader. I'm not even a pray-er, intercessor, prayer "warrior" or any of the common ministries we hear about in church. I don't really like kids :-) so I'm not a nursery worker or Sunday school teacher. I wasn't the best student so i didn't learn too much in school or college to help me out either. i don't know anything about business, the economy or politics. So what does a relatively boring person do for God? The classic sermon you hear growing up in church is "Today is your day, take your relationship with God to the next level. Let God use you". Okay, that's great and all, but how does a person with no special talent get "used"? I had resigned myself to the fact that my "family" was my ministry. I guess I wasn't one of the people the preachers were talking about.
Well, that night on the floor of the Holiday Inn something changed and I wouldn't realize it completely (and probably still don't) until now. I told God that I knew I was definitely not a "Julie Wells" or "Paula White" but I wanted to do what I can. Whatever that may be, I really had no idea (remember my no talents?), but if He found a place for me, I would follow through.
So having been through some crap (for lack of a better word) during my life has made me have certain feelings about people that place blame on others for their own behavior. I have always felt that blaming a bad childhood for making bad decisions as an adult was a cop out. Granted, I did have some people in my life that made sure I stayed on the "straight and narrow" but I could have easily said " I'm going to do this or that b/c I've had a hard life". Maybe that is why I've always had a soft spot for people in tough situations. Because that could have easily been me. I know what it is like to move from place to place and feel like nothing is stable. I want to help "stabilize" hurting people. If not for them then for their kids-b/c I was one of those kids.
I thought I was emotionally unstable b/c I'd cry when I saw a homeless person, or a mom and baby at a store and the baby was wearing dirty clothes and had no shoes on. So I started giving the homeless person money. Then I realized they were hungry as I was driving down the road eating Burger King. So I carried crackers in my car. A few times I went through a drive thru and brought food for them. It only made me sadder (is that a word?). Sure maybe it helped for a minute but that's all. Maybe the homeless person thought I was emotionally unstable too, who knows. All I knew was I was never going to be able to make a huge difference so I would continue to do what I could.
Then we moved to a big famous church in Florida. The big flashy church had it's appeal to Scotty but the only thing I wanted to do was get involved with ministry they had called Respond. Respond was just starting up, but they had a full time staff member that was the head of Respond. I was SO excited to get involved. So, Respond was going to have a clothing bank, food bank, GED program, Health fair, pregnancy resource center, tutoring program, etc. You name it-they were going to do it. But BIG churches must do BIG things. I went once a week to the church and we talked about what we could do. I made notes and researched statistics on the Internet. They talked about getting government grants. I never saw one person receive a piece of clothing or can of food.
Then we were back home in Evansville. New parents and everything and every relationship had changed. There's still that feeling inside me that i NEED to do something bigger than me but I had not changed or developed any of those talents we talked about. Fast forward 5 years to the doubled over crying my heart out on the floor of the Holiday Inn. I'm sure people saw me and thought I was going through some bad personal issues but really I was just asking God if this really was "it" for me. If it was that was okay but if He had something somewhere that I could do then I was willing and able to do it.
A month later I got an email that had Restore's newsletter in it. I read the newsletter and could not believe it. I went to the website and literally read every word on the site. I cried the whole time and knew that I not only wanted to be involved but I HAD to be involved. There was no way I could go on living normally and know that ministry was going on without me. Like I said before, I'm not a speaker, preacher, teacher, singer or musician but I can sort clothes, and serve food. I can give a hug and a smile to someone who's had a bad day. I can give out diapers and shampoo and know that it really did make a difference. It may not be the "calling" that some people pray for but it's my heart and my "calling".

5 yr old manipulation

The new "rule" in our house is you have to eat your supper or no snacks the rest of the night. If you get hungry you have to eat your reheated supper. I realize this is probably already a rule in most of America's homes but it's new in ours. Last night Cade of course didn't eat his vegetable soup. So later in the evening he comes to me in the bedroom and says "Mom, I'm going to eat my vegetables but not the potatos" I assume he realized that food is a good thing when you're hungry and I said ok, tell your dad to get it. He said "I did, I just wanted you to know". So off Cade goes back to the kitchen. I'm thinking to myself that he really is growing up and that I can't believe how easy that was, a month ago a huge fight would have developed over veggies vs cookies. A minute later Scotty comes in the room and says "Remember the rule you just made about eating all your supper or no snacks? Cade has to eat his soup BEFORE he gets peaches." I proceeded to say "What are you talking about? He told me he was eating his vegetables and never even mentioned peaches". Apparantly, the manipulator realized we couldn't hear the other's conversations and he tried to use it to his advantage. He told his dad I said he could have peaches but he told me he was eating his veggies. He was counting on having the peaches gone before I came back to the kitchen and noone would be the wiser. Does this REALLY start at 5 years old?! I realize that peaches vs veggies isn't a life altering thing but he's only 5. Yes, he has started "stretching the truth" to fit his needs or blaming his sister/the dog/Spiderman for things he did so he won't get in trouble but adjusting his story to get things out of mom and dad? I thought we had at LEAST 4 or 5 more years before he figured that out. The story he told was thought out, planned ahead to get what he wanted out of the situation. My little boy is definately NOT a little boy anymore. Why didn't someone warn me that 5 was the age of mental development? I now have a whole new situation to pray about!!!